Are you tired of wasting your money on medical school bills? Have you always wanted to spend years working toward your dreams only to throw it all away? Does the idea of disappointing your parents fill you with glee?
If any of this resonates with you, we’ll provide a step-by-step process for how to become a med school dropout in no time at all.
1 | Lie, Cheat, and Steal
The first step to becoming a medical school dropout is to lie, cheat, and steal.
It’s not enough to focus on any one of these goals alone, as a multifaceted approach will get you results much faster.
Begin with lying, as this is a technique you can start employing right away. As much as you may be tempted to delay this habit and tell the truth, the sooner you start lying, the more successful you’ll be at achieving your goals.
Habits take time to form, so start small and build. Begin with small lies you can incorporate into your current routine, like telling your professor you’re sick and can’t come to class when you’re actually rocking Candy Crush. Other beginner step lies include bailing on your study group or blaming someone in your class for something you did.
Once smaller lies become second nature, you can get more creative by incorporating cheating into the mix. You might fabricate your accomplishments, copy someone else’s assignment, or lean over to cheat on a test. Practice makes perfect, so keep at it even if you aren’t caught at first.
If you followed the USMLE cheating scandal that involved many students from Nepal as well as other suspected countries, you’ll know that it took years before they were discovered. Getting caught cheating on a medical school exam is not as easy as it looks.
Lastly, look for creative ways to steal. Go above and beyond stealing physical things like textbooks and lab equipment to intellectual property. This is far more valuable in the grand scheme of things, as you will be taking something someone worked hard to achieve, and they won’t be able to prove you did it.
The most important thing to a doctor is their ethics. Fortunately, this doesn’t apply to you, so disregard ethics at every turn and lie, cheat, and steal your way through medical school to make absolutely sure you don’t succeed.
2 | Spend All Your Money
The next step to becoming a med school dropout is to blast through all of your money, including any savings you might have or scholarships you somehow, through no fault of your own, may have earned. You won’t be able to continue your medical journey if you don’t have the necessary funds to pay your tuition fees.
The difficulty of this task will depend on your current financial status and whether or not you are receiving financial aid.
If you have student loans and very little spare cash, rest assured you won’t need to invest much of your time into using up all the money you have access to.
Begin by listing out all of your current expenses. How can you expand the expenses you already have? For example, if you currently spend $100 a week on groceries, double that to $200 a week by buying more than you need and ordering expensive takeout. After all, you deserve it!
If you currently take the bus to and from school, consider purchasing a car; ideally, something flashy like a Tesla Cybertruck. This will have the dual benefit of being expensive while also encouraging your fellow classmates to dislike you.
As a general rule of thumb, aim to buy fancy items that depreciate quickly in value, like cars, televisions, and the latest iPhone, rather than spending your money on experiences and learning opportunities.
3 | Invest in Social Media
The next step is to invest your time and energy into social media.
Choose a few different social apps that appeal to you most. Consider which ones capture your attention and waste the most of your time, even if these apps aren’t ones you particularly enjoy.
Begin your day first thing by turning to your phone. What terrible new thing is going on in the world? What new cat videos are available? What fabulous things are your high school bullies up to?
It’s best to keep it in your pocket or on the table in front of you at all times to ensure you don’t forget about it or miss any notifications. Continue turning to your phone as much as you can throughout the day. You might forget about it at first, but if you keep at it, soon enough, checking your phone will become second nature.
Speaking of notifications, ensure you have all of them on. Some apps have sneaky settings that turn off notifications so that you can’t hear the latest gossip when you’re trying to study. Don’t let your phone or your own negligence keep you from learning everything you possibly can about what happened behind the scenes of the latest episode of The Bachelor.
As much as your friends and family may try to pressure you into studying, stick to your daily habits. Most of what you need to learn in medical school is probably on TikTok anyway, so make sure to always bring your phone to lecture.
If a professor calls you out for using your phone in class, this is the perfect opportunity to practice lying. Tell them you weren’t using your phone, suggest they need to see an ophthalmologist, and then resume doom scrolling.
Lastly, don’t neglect your phone before bed. As you start to get tired, you can utilize the blue light from your phone to help you stay up later. More blue light and more stimulants before bed equals less time for sleep and more time for TikTok.
4 | Practice Mindlessness
Lastly, if all else fails, you may need to practice mindlessness.
You’ve probably heard about the benefits of mindfulness, such as emotional intelligence, improved concentration, and an ability to better handle negative emotions. But the thing no one tells you about mindfulness is how boring and tedious it is.
Mindlessness, on the other hand, is extremely easy and ensures you never have to consider any of your thoughts, feelings, or dreams.
Never reflect on your emotions or your actions, and certainly never journal about them. You don’t need the paper trail. Remember the wise words of Homer Simpson: Everything looks bad if you remember it.
If you’re too lazy to exercise, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just think about something else that has a more direct impact on your life, such as the private lives of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. And order a pizza. Yes. It’s always a good idea to order pizza.
It’s also essential to never think about your direction in life—just do what you feel like from moment to moment. Whatever pops in your head first is most worth pursuing. Let your mind wander from one negative emotion to the next without any consideration for why you might feel that way.
If you follow each of these steps, you are guaranteed to reach your dream of becoming a med school dropout.
I wish all of you the best of luck. Don’t give up, stay the course, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a med school dropout in no time.
Thank you all so much for reading another one of our April Fools’ posts. But with all jokes aside, there are very real benefits to inverse thinking, which was championed by the late Charlie Munger and other great thinkers.
Utilizing inverse thinking, you imagine all the ways you could ensure you fail. Consider what could stand in the way of your success, and then do everything you can to eliminate those factors. This is an incredibly powerful tool, as it reveals the very real roadblocks that could stand in the way of your goals and helps align your actions with your goals.
The Stoics used this technique to imagine what life would be like if the worst should happen, such as becoming homeless or suffering a debilitating injury. They believed the process of imagining worst case scenarios would help them make plans to prevent these negative outcomes from occurring.
Try applying inverse thinking to this year’s goals. What factors could stand in your way, and what can you do to prevent or mitigate them?
For more April Fools’ shenanigans, check out So You Want to Be a ROCKET SURGEON.
And if you want a real, comprehensive roadmap to becoming a doctor, check out our ultimate Premed Roadmap to Medical Acceptance. It lays out everything you need to do from the first day of college to when you receive your medical school acceptance letter.
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