The long and unpredictable hours of residency make starting and maintaining a romantic relationship tough. But it’s not impossible.
Here’s how to date and make the most of your love life during residency.
First, let’s address the elephant in the room. If you’re going into residency single and haven’t spent much time dating or figuring out what you need from a partner, taking on this challenge during residency will be difficult. Building a deep, romantic relationship requires time, which is something you have very little of in residency.
Even the act of finding a relationship requires a significant time investment. You’ll need to put yourself out there socially, such as going to events or joining community groups, work on your own personal development, and zero in on what you’re actually looking for from a partner.
If this sounds like you as a resident, do not despair. It is possible to find and build a relationship during residency, but you need to understand both what your priorities are and how many hours you have to find and keep that special someone. If finding a relationship in this stage of your life is important to you, you’ll need to intentionally carve out and block time for it, much like when you are studying for boards.
Don’t allow your years of residency to fly by without being intentional about every aspect of your life—this includes your professional development, personal wellness, hobbies and interests, and love life.
If starting a family and settling down is a top priority for you at this stage, you need to act like it. This will mean you have less time for other things, such as research you wanted to pursue, personal hobbies, or binging Netflix shows alone.
Alternatively, you may decide a serious relationship is less important to you at this time, which is perfectly okay too. Don’t fall into the trap of doing what those around you are doing just because it seems like the logical next step. Jumping into a serious relationship or beginning to start a family because you think you should, and not because you want to, is a recipe for disaster.
With that in mind, if dating is a priority for you, it’s time to get serious about identifying your needs.
Identify Your Needs
One of the biggest questions to ask yourself is whether or not you want to be with someone in medicine, as there are pros and cons to both choices.
A partner in a medical field, such as another resident or someone pursuing another healthcare career, will share an understanding of the time-consuming nature and challenges of residency. They are more likely to be comfortable with your limited and unpredictable hours because they experience the same thing. You’ll also have plenty to talk about in the realm of medicine, but this can be both positive and negative.
Your shared interests may keep the conversation going, but you run the risk of talking about medicine all the time. A partner outside of healthcare can offer new topics of conversation, and you can learn new things from each other. Additionally, a non-resident partner can more easily work around your rigid schedule.
If both of you are pursuing a career in healthcare, you may have similarly unpredictable schedules. If you each only have one small sliver of free time, it’s likely they won’t align, making it difficult to carve out time together.
However, your career path is only one small element of determining your own needs.
Are you looking for someone who wants to have children? Are you eager to start that process right away, or do you want to wait a few years? Do you want someone who shares your passion for fitness and wellness? Is preferring Star Trek over Star Wars a deal breaker for you?
By the time you’re in residency, you likely have a better understanding of yourself and what you hope your future will look like. Determine what you’re looking for in a partner to save yourself time during the dating process, as you don’t have any time to waste. However, ensure you’re not too rigid in your quest for love. The more you idealize your perfect partner, the harder your search will be.
After all, no one is perfect, and every relationship involves compromise.
Finding a Partner
After spending time identifying your preferences, it’s time to go out and find that special someone, which is easier said than done, especially for residents.
Unlike treatment algorithms, there are no x + y + z instructions to find a partner. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of trial and error. Put yourself out there and continue meeting new people. Choose events, groups, and activities that align with your interests so you find someone who shares your values.
For example, if fitness is a top priority for you, join a gym or athletic community group you’re interested in, such as a running club, kickboxing class, or yoga in the park. If religion is an important aspect of your life, make time to go to church or temple events, and get more involved in religious community initiatives. If you’re passionate about books and storytelling, join local library events and begin participating in a book club.
Dating apps can also help you streamline the dating process. If used effectively, they can aid residents who have very little free time. Be sure to choose dating apps that align with your needs. If you’re looking for a serious relationship with someone who wants to start a family, don’t waste your time on an app known for its hookup culture.
If you’re looking for someone who is also in medicine, there are dating apps specifically for healthcare workers, such as ForeverX and DowntoDate.
Use dating apps to your advantage, but understand their limitations. If your residency is in a small town, you will have fewer options. The pros and cons of dating apps and how to optimize online dating are discussed in video on my Kevin Jubbal, M.D. channel.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
Starting a relationship is just one part of the equation. As a resident, you’ll have to put in more effort than usual to help maintain it. Here’s how to keep a healthy relationship strong.
1 | Be Clear About What to Expect
The first and most important tip is to be upfront with your partner about what to expect over the next few years. This will be easier if you’re dating a fellow resident or someone in the medical field, but either way, it’s vital that both of you have clear expectations.
Your free time will be very limited. Your schedule may be so hectic at times that all you can do after a long day is go home and sleep. Your free time will also be unpredictable, as you may be on call, which can and likely will result in cancelled plans, sometimes at the last minute. Preparing your partner for these situations from the outset will prevent conflict.
When approaching commitments, use percentages. With what percent confidence can you commit to an event? Is there a 90 percent chance you can make it, a 70 percent chance, or 30? Knowing this upfront will result in fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
If hurt feelings do occur, be sure to allow your partner to vent. Constantly canceling plans will be frustrating for them at the very least, and if they aren’t working in healthcare, your schedule and priorities during this time will be difficult to understand.
Being in medicine in some ways is as close to being in the military as you can get, with an arguably even more unpredictable day to day schedule at times.
Be clear right from the start that you will be under a tremendous amount of stress. This is in no way carte blanche for you to be rude or self-obsessed; however, they should know there will be times when you come home after having been chewed out by an attending or after having lost a patient. You may not always be able to put on a happy face and forget about your day the moment you walk through the door.
2 | Develop Open and Honest Communication
Next, communication is the foundation of any strong relationship, and it’s what will save you during residency. Explain when your shifts are, when you’re on call, and share your exact schedule, but strive to go beyond that. You need to share what’s going on in your inner life as well, including your feelings, concerns, and current energy levels.
Be honest. Don’t put on a brave face. They need to know how to support you through your dark days, which means you need to give them the full and honest picture of the job from the start.
If a patient dies, it’s important to share how it affected you. Don’t act as though your partner can’t help you or pretend you don’t need help when they can see that you do. If you deny your feelings, you’re more likely to crack under the immense pressure you’re under. Plus, you’re taking away your partner’s agency. Of course, they can’t help you with everything, but when they can, let them. If you have the right partner, they’ll be happy to offer you support.
However, remember that communication is a two-way street. Your partner isn’t there just so you can talk at them about how rewarding or challenging it is to be a doctor. They need to know they can vent to you when they are stressed, no matter their career path. Being a teacher, accountant, waiter, or business owner comes with its own stresses. They must be able to talk about their day too.
While the relationship does largely rely on your schedule, it’s not all about you.
3 | Don’t Allow Medicine to Rule Your Life
Next, while it’s important to be honest about your work and how it makes you feel, it shouldn’t be the only thing you talk about, and it shouldn’t rule your lives.
It is essential to take time to decompress before you see your partner and to put a time limit on hospital or clinic talk.
Dr. Joshua Goldman has found success using his drive home to transition his mindset. He has two children, so he uses his commute to move from serious plastic surgeon to playful dad. Dr. Goldman shares how he balances his family and work life in an episode of Day in the Life.
Even though it may not feel like it at times, you are more than just a doctor. Developing a healthy life outside of medicine will aid both your relationship and your career. You’ll be able to go into work fresh and ready to start again, rather than carrying it with you 24/7.
Work with your partner on finding a balance in your conversations. This is especially important if both of you are in residency. It’s great that it’s a passion you both share, but you are more than just residents. What are your hobbies and values outside of medicine? If you have to, make a rule that when on dates or when sharing a meal, you don’t talk about medicine. This will allow you to get to know each other on a deeper level and grow your connection beyond your shared careers.
4 | Intentionally Block Time for Your Relationship
The fourth tip is to intentionally make time for your relationship and your partner. Even with your busy schedule, make specific plans, put them in your calendar, and do your best to commit to them. You may only have a few extra hours each week to dedicate to your partner, but know that any time spent together is better than nothing.
Neglecting time as a couple will erode any relationship. If you’re not careful, those few hours of free time will get eaten up by something else, and before you know it, four weeks will have passed by without the two of you spending any quality time together.
You need to block time for your relationship and ensure being together occurs in some form or another. When your schedule is tight, get creative about blending other commitments. How can you turn tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, or even cleaning the house into a date?
Completing these seemingly boring tasks together will make them more enjoyable while giving you more opportunities to see each other. That said, don’t allow your only time together to be over laundry and dishes, as this is a surefire way to lose that romantic spark.
On days when you only have a few moments to spare, taking the time for a small gesture like bringing home food or flowers or just texting them a kind message can brighten your partner’s day.
Don’t only focus on what you want out of a relationship. What does your partner prefer? You might care about gifts and small gestures while what’s most important to your partner is hearing words of affirmation.
This is commonly referred to as your love language. The five love languages are physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and gifts.
If you don’t know your preferred love languages, there are plenty of online quizzes you can take. While by no means scientific, they can provide insight into your own needs and preferences as well as your partner’s. If your love languages align, awesome! If they do not, don’t be discouraged. Taking the time to learn more about each other’s preferences will help you both get what you need from the relationship.
This again falls back on effective communication. Neither of you are mind readers. Make every effort to ensure both of your needs are met.
Romantic relationships during residency can be tough—but they’re rewarding too. Residency is tremendously challenging, and having someone you can lean on during this time is extremely valuable.
What have your experiences been with dating during medical school or residency? Share what strategies work best for you in the comments below.
If you’re looking for more dating advice, check out Medical School Dating & Relationships 101 and How to Start a Family in Medical School (And Still Thrive).
